When I was a little girl, my Grandpa Joe would walk with me to a store near his home in New Jersey. Once we got there, he would tell me that I could pick out one treat. It was a tiny store—nothing near the size of a Walmart or even a Dollar General store today. Still, the choices seemed endless to me. Should I get a cola or a candy bar? What about the small chest full of ice cream and other frozen goodies? The selection was overwhelming. I don’t remember how it was finally made, but I do remember walking home with a cola and a bag of candy, and I am pretty sure I ate an ice cream treat there. Grandpa bought it all. I never had to choose.

I wish life were that easy now. Every day we are faced with choices. Some choices are relatively easy to make—what to wear, what to eat, which route to take into town. Other choices are more difficult, especially those concerning how we spend our time, energies, and money. The older I get, the more difficulty I have making decisions. Sometimes, I dread even small decisions like what I am going to fix for dinner or where we are going to eat lunch after church. And second-guessing myself has become second nature.

Outside of moral choices that clearly dictate a right and wrong, I question how I know what to do and what not to do, which path is the correct one to take. Am I reacting out of fear and avoidance, or is God using my emotions or circumstances to steer me in a different direction? What requires perseverance, and what isn’t worth my time and effort?

I think that my indecisiveness has gotten worse since Brandon’s death. I am not sure why except to say that I am not the same person that I was a year ago. I thought maybe I would feel more like myself when I finally weaned myself off the anxiety meds, and I do, to a certain extent. Then it occurred to me that I will never be myself again—not the self before.

All of that brings me to this. I need to make some decisions about where this business is going. I have been a writer and an editor for twenty-something years. I have spoken sporadically over the years but have never actively pursued speaking. I started this business a year ago with the intention to expand both my writing and speaking. I want to provide encouraging stories and Biblical teaching to help women grow in their relationships with the Lord and each other. I want to do this by providing written resources and speeches as well as special events.  

It sounds simple when I write it out. But it’s not. There is so much more that goes into all of this, so many decisions. I am not a computer guru, but I have to manage my website and think about things like hits and Google searches and SEOs. I am not a marketing expert, but I am supposed to know how to promote myself and my events. I am not a social media person, but I need to post multiple times a day on multiple sites. And none of this is what I want to do—write, teach, and speak.

Like the store with all the goodies, there isn’t necessarily a bad or wrong decision. There are just a lot of choices. But sometimes, I just wish someone else could tell me what to do.

What about you? How do you make decisions?